The Nameless Loon

Minnesota United FC returns to NASL action this Saturday. They travel down to Ft. Lauderdale to face the Strikers in the fall season opener. This is an important season for the team, and a lot of questions will need to be answered by the spring season champions. Mainly, what’s gonna be the name of the new mascot?

All your favorites came out to unveil the Minnesota United Loon:
Crunch, Viking Man, Skating Furby, Cambi the Cambria

The short offseason saw the team unveil their brand new mascot, the samba wearing (deth)loon, and frankly there’s a lot to like about this loon: those sweet leggings, the fact that he’s sporting the right jersey, his oversized bird head won’t haunt my dreams. But the best part is that the naming rights to this bird are being handed over to you, the fans!

There's so much to consider when naming a team mascot. Specifically, we need to think of this as an opportunity to help grow the fan base. If you find the endeavor too overwhelming I am happy to present you with a few options to consider.

Below are some scenarios that can expand Minnesota United’s reach, along with a few naming proposals to get the ball rolling...

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Scenario 1: The World Cup has been so popular that we should pick a name to capitalize on the energy surrounding the tournament.

Proposal: Name the mascot “Fuleco the Loon.”

Millions of Americans gathered around their TVs to watch the festivities down in Brazil, thanks in no small part to the immense popularity of the World Cup mascot Fuleco, the soccer-playing armadillo. Unfortunately, once the World Cup ends on Sunday, he'll be set out to pasture with all of our other favorite World Cup icons of days past (we all miss you, Ciao, the lonely little soccer-headed stick figure). But what if the memory of Fuleco lived on in our loon? And, as the NASL team with the most Brazilians on the roster, it seems we have a stronger claim on the name than everyone else.

[Alternatively we could just name the loon Pele. Maybe we could steal some old school NY Cosmos fans that way. Or maybe do some cross promotions with Subway. Pele the Loon could shoot not t-shirts but six inch meatball subs into the crowd.]

"Eat up, fat Americans. Leave all the World Cups for me."

Scenario 2: There's a lot of young, seemingly hip youngsters in Minneapolis wasting their money on brewpubs. What can we name the loon to help bring them in?

Proposal: "Prince"

Not enough has been done to sell all the hip yupsters on soccer in this state. Didn't you hear? The New York Times style section says English soccer is "in." That must mean American minor league soccer is like True Detective meets quinoa liqueur, but for sports! Name the bird Prince and all sorts of collaborations open themselves up to United. The Walker Art Center could sponsor the jumbotron and show cat videos at halftime. Current DJs could emcee/ref the games.

Scenario 3: We kind of have an English thing going with the name Minnesota United FC. Let’s keep that going, shall we? Fans like consistency.

Proposal: “Loonie the Loon”

Us yanks nick all sorts of English culture: team names, footy slang, TV sitcoms. Why stop now? English teams have a proud, maybe 10-year-old tradition of creating mascots with completely unimaginative names. Here’s a small sample of some of the laziest mascot names from the British Isles:

Rammie the Ram (Derby County)

Fred the Red (Manchester United)

Hammerhead (West Ham United)

Terry the Terrier (Huddersfield Town)

Lenny the Lion (Shrewsbury Town)

Lofty the Lion (Bolton)

Roary the Lion (Middlesbrough)

Roary the Tiger (Hull City)

Roary the Lion (Guernsey)

Roar Lion (Blackburn Rovers)

Cyril the Swan (Swansea City)

That last one isn’t really lazy. It’s just extra English. And we can be extra English too. We could of course go with Louie the Loon, but that mascot already exists at Target Field. Besides, we’ve already got a super popular Louie from Minnesota. That leaves us no choice but to call him Loonie. As an added bonus for naming him Loonie we get to co-opt the word and stick it to Canadians.

"Name your loon after me and I will hunt you down."

Scenario 4: People love controversy. Let’s name the loon something that will get people talking.

Proposal: Zygi Wilf

The upside to naming the loon after the Minnesota Vikings owner is that the tax-paying public will find this mean-spirited and down-right hilarious. In no time at all they’ll be throwing so much money at United that they’ll build their own stadium that’s completely publicly-financed. That’ll show the original Zygi. The downside to this proposal is that we won’t be able to name the loon after popular FIFA President Sepp Blatter.

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Well those are just a few suggestions for you to think on. You can vote for the mascot name on the MN United facebook page or you can just tweet your suggestion to them. I believe they’ll unveil the loon’s name sometime before their fall season home opener next Thursday. And if the team ends up choosing “Roary the Loon,” make sure to thank me on Twitter.